A Story of Hope

By

Memoir

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It is nearly a decade now. The episode of depression that I went through. I lost everything and I had nothing. The more I tried to swim to the shore, the more I was pulled over by the tide. In the end, I succumb to it. “What is the use of fighting?” I thought. At one time, I even chose to embrace all of my predicaments. I was too deep in despair that climbing out of it seemed so impossible. It seemed that I had to live with the heartache for the rest of my life.

I knew then that the only thing I could do was pray. I did. Harder than I used to. The tests that I was going through really brought me closer to Allah. I talked to Him every night and I cried. Actually, I did a lot more than crying. I sobbed and wailed. If only the wall in my room could talk, they would introduce themselves as ‘The Wailing Wall’. Some of the pain was too personal that I could talk about it to no one. Allah was my only shoulder to cry on.

I really wished I could be near Him. One of the ways was by performing umrah in Mecca. I wished and I prayed. Even though deep down inside I knew it was difficult. It was a clear fact that I could not afford going there, financially. There were also other extraneous circumstances that would hinder my plan on setting foot in Mecca. Trying to plan for a trip there was like finding a needle in a room full of haystack.

I shared my sad thoughts with a friend. She told me to be patient because she admitted, from where she was standing, she did not think I could live my dream of going for Umrah. She could only offered me words of consolation. This is a friend who knows every single misery that happened in my life. Silently, I agreed with her. There was indeed no way of me going there. Maybe even until the day I leave this world.

When I could not take the pain any longer, I decided to contact a private psychologist and arranged a meeting with her. I told her about all the things I was dealing with at that point of time but there were things that I chose to hide. Some things were better left unsaid because it was too embarrassing even to discuss it with a certified medical practitioner. I knew the meeting was not going to solve anything but I was really in need of a good listener who could perhaps provide me with solutions on how to handle my problems, rather than solving them.

We had the psychologist-patient conversation and then she gave me an advice which seemed so ordinary that it made me wonder, “Is this what I paid for?” I really thought that seeing her was a terrible mistake and a waste of time. She told me to go home and start praying again. At first, I was ready to argue with her because that was what I was doing. Then she told me to pick up the Quran and flip open to any page that my heart wishes. Point a finger and read the verse the finger is pointing to. “Consider it as a personal message to guide you out of the gloom,” she said.

I did not do as what she had advised me to do immediately. In fact, I took about a week to finally execute the psychologist’s prescription. It was not because I did not trust her and her suggestions, it was more to my ego getting in the way as I see her shared information as too plain and common. There was nothing special about it. However, I decided to still give it a try. Since I had lost everything in life, what was there left to be lost again?

It was on a Sunday, as I remember. After I had performed the last prayer of the day, I took the Quran and casually opened the book. I was holding a piece of guidance sent by Allah to our last prophet, Muhammad. There was a warm feeling that I could not explain. I was certain that it was not a feeling of sadness nor happiness. It was like something in between. I felt nothing. “Well, at least the feeling of pain had gone,” I told myself. I proceeded to do as what was told by the psychiatrist. I chose a page and bluntly pointed to a verse.

The verse I selected, “Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere.” I stared blankly at the verse. “Is this a message from Allah?” I kept asking myself. “Surely this is not a coincidence!” And the rest of the night was filled with me sobbing like a baby. I started to remember the stories on how our Prophet was tested and had never once complained. Even though he knew that Allah would listen to whatever he asked for, he never grumbled. I should at least tried to be like him. To persevere. It might be difficult, but not at all impossible.

Fate. It is undeniably connected to destiny. Something that you cannot avoid no matter how hard you try. Just as how Allah had set the sun to be replaced by the moon and vice versa every day, that is how fate takes place in our lives. Days and nights. Somehow the sun started to shine and made its way into my life. I could feel the positive energy that it brought together and I started to smile again. A lot. My days were filled with laughter once again.

Despite the fact that I was in a mess, I met my husband and we decided to tie the knot. I consider him to be a gift and Allah had sent him to me to show that He cared about me as He had done all this while. We only present gifts to someone we care about and I knew my husband was the metaphor. There was nothing I could asked more for a husband as his love works like a magic that turned all my worries into joy.

One day, as we were having our usual conversation he told me about his plan to bring me to Mecca. He said he knew that even though I always looked cheerful, I was actually bleeding inside. He also knew that I had longed to go to Mecca and as he had promised on the day we get married that he will always try to make me happy, this is one of the ways to keep the promise. I was stunned and could not give an answer. This is an offer that I had waited for so long but when it finally presented itself in front of me, I started to have doubts.

I worried about all my sins and was thinking deeply whether I was ready to go to Mecca. Was I really an invited guest by Allah? I relayed these feelings to him. My husband smiled. “Are you going to say the same if Azrael, The Angel of Death comes by and is ready to take your soul?” His words felt like a slapped and I blushed. I had prayed to be a guest on the Holy Land and was so sure that I could not make it because of all the things that tied me down. And now I was offered to perform my Umrah with all the expenses paid for. Didn’t I complain that one of the burden that hindered me from going was financial?

At that instant, my mind was brought back to the Qur’anic verse that I pointed to and read that night. The night that was filled with hope. The night that changed my life and my perception towards life. The night that had taught me to just hang in there and let Allah who never sleeps, take care of me. I would never forget what that night had revealed to me. Persevere and God is with those who persevere!

26 Responses to "A Story of Hope"

  1. Zulhilmi bin Zabri says:

    This indeed is one of the best piece of writing ever written 👍🏻. A full round of applause for the writer whom managed to touch every inch of my heart through her masterpiece 👏🏻

  2. Faz says:

    Indeed Allah SWT plan is the best, keep on praying and make dua. Do keep on writing and touch another souls with your story.

  3. Rashdah Hameed says:

    Ma Shah Allah. This is a brilliant piece of writing, it was like walking through your journey with you. May Allah Keep you blessed and happy and make you an example to the thousands of Muslims that suffer from depression and are too embarrassed to seek help!

  4. Stoori says:

    Nice one. Indeed, one should never lose hope and NEVER despair of mercy of Allah.

  5. Alia Azmi says:

    It was an amazing read because of one thing madam:

    You wrote it from your heart. All of the words…. It came from your heart.

    Alia selalu fikir…. Kita manusia ada hati kecil. Dalam hati kita, akan ada satu portion dimana tak pernah satu kejahatan masuk…. Satu portion tu suci, tu la hati kecil kita =)
    And u wrote that from ur hati kecil.

    Drprd situ. Readers are able to feel what u feel. They may not know ur true problems back then…. But they know how tough it is to move on…. To forgive one self and to improve.
    That is what u have highlighed in ur story, madam.

    No matter how tough it gets, seek Allah. Love Allah. =)

  6. Mariam says:

    I love every single word..may Allah swt bless you & family with His love & guidance & lots lots of happiness…aaminn..

  7. Mariam says:

    MashAllah what a great piece! The fact that Allah sends us signs that we take for granted is a wonderful theme throughout the work. And I love that you included how weak we are in front of Allah and how merciful he is by giving us blessings, even when we think we don’t deserve them. Great work!

  8. Haziqah says:

    Madam, we knew you have a pure heart inside out regardless what others say about you. I am blessed to be able to meet you personally, to stumble upon your writing as it shows sincerity and love towards Him, for us to become a better person by not giving up on Him. The signs you get, seen and gone through has shown His power to help us become a better person, insyaAllah.

    May you and family receive endless blessings and love from Him The Almighty, always, and thank you for sharing.
    Much love!

    • Zieda says:

      Tq so much Haziqah for the comment. In shaa Allah this will motivate me to write more. May Allah bless you and your family too. :)

  9. H says:

    Love, I told you that you were the one I asked for in front of Kaabah and how thankful I am to Him that you are with me now.

  10. Ashley says:

    Such a heart touching story, and really you just have to say subhanAllah for the way He plans your life-the biggest hardships are followed by the biggest gifts. It was a great reminder to me; I have been going through some hard times of my own lately, but this reminded me that Allah has the best plan for me, even if I can’t see it now. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I pray Allah swt blesses and rewards you for your writing and continues to grant you patience and peace!

    • Zieda says:

      Just hang in there Ashley. You never know what lies in the future ahead. Sometimes I blush when I remember that episode of my life because the length of time I suffered is very, very short to compare with the years of happiness.

  11. Syed says:

    Subhanallaah.
    Excellent piece of writing.
    Congratulations.
    Now I regret not attending your wedding. Otherwise I could feel personally related to the story.
    Menyesal!
    Congratulations nonetheless.
    And good luck

  12. Zaqer says:

    amazing piece! This really reminded me on how I have to keep holding on to Allah through anything. Pain is given to those who He knows can handle it. May Allah grant your wishes and bless you with more joy and prosperity, InsyaAllah.

  13. Dila says:

    Any sequences?

  14. Your fan says:

    simply amazing, i’m purified. thank you, god bless.

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