Through the expansively hungry void of the solar system, a space shuttle carrying astronauts from Earth to the planet Mars would seem like little more than a pencil thrown across a room. A piece of graphite having an existential crisis on ground contact, Hashir Hassan, appeared to snap out of a self-induced trance.
“Is the coldest part of the abyss of space the emptiness one feels, knowing that the warmth of the nearest star is so far out of grasp? Or is it that we are unable to change the fact that it can still be felt by someone else?”
One of his fellow astronauts, named Lupita, who assumed the question was directed at her, was quite disgruntled at this outburst. She’d been noticing that Hashir didn’t really seem himself – the once social and mission-driven crew member had become somewhat of a recluse these days, but the journey was entering its fifth month, and it was understandable that he might just be a tad bit exhausted. They all were, after all.
“Hashir, what are you going on about? The asteroid belt is going to be a real pain if we can’t count on you to keep a handle on the controls.”
Dismissing this as the man’s latest shower thought, Lupita focused on the task at hand. It was only the next day, when it was time for their conference with Mission Control, that the team found Hashir’s tablet and rolled-up sleep sack on his seat, rather than the man himself.
The following are the contents of the brief letter left as the wallpaper on his device, presumably for the crew to read.
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My Dear Beloved Crew,
You may have noticed this morning that I wasn’t in my bunk, and my guess is that at this point you’re probably trying to split up to figure out where I am. Our ship isn’t as big as when we left — and we’re a lot lighter now compared to when we started, but after our conversation last night it’s pretty clear that everybody is starting to feel the weight of our remaining journey.
These last four months have been interesting to say the least. We’ve learned so much about each other, from Lupita’s previous life as a preacher and all the work she did building communities as she spread the message of her God to the music Frank brought with him that we’ve used to remember what it was like when a new song could turn the whole week around; each of us gave a little bit more depth to the story of this crew, and to me at least, it reminded us that there was a world that we are doing all of this for.
Despite all of this, I’ve been feeling a bit cold lately — not in the physical sense of the word, but almost as if in my mind I’ve lost the kinetic energy that brought me on this ship in the first place. We’ve all embarked on this new journey to a new world together, and I know we all have our own reasons, but at the core of it all we believe that there’s something better to come from us completing our task.
That belief used to be the heat that kept us moving, but now, four months in, I’m not so sure that faith in the outcome is fuel enough. It’s almost like there’s an insulated silence around my soul, and my heartbeat doesn’t connect with my pulse anymore.
So I sat down to write this letter, to try and explain why even though there is light everywhere around us that we’ve manufactured to help us find our way, the darkness outside our windows doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone. I don’t think I’m doing a very good job, but there’s a reason I’m sailing amongst the stars with you instead of writing about them back home — maybe I’ll just end by posing the question that’s been on my mind for a while. Who knows, maybe you’ll find the answer before I do.
Why does it feel so damn cold?
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It may be important to clarify before closing this report to say that Hashir Hassan had not disappeared from the shuttle – that would have been impossible without alerting the crew on board. He was found about ten minutes later near the airlock scooping rehydrated peanut butter off a tray. It was not a good look.
When questioned, Hashir admitted that he had felt somewhat run down by the lack of interaction from the team, especially after he had been caught cheating at “sticks” by Frank. Once arriving on the Red Planet, however, he seemed to appreciate having more open space, and occasional sunlight.
There were definitely signs here that could have indicated a much worse situation for our astronaut friend – if something feels off, err on the side of caution and check in with your friends, family, or coworkers!
