Caged

There have been metal bars around my heart
Quite a literal way to start a piece with a title like this
But at least I can say I wasn’t falling apart
Steeling away this way has benefited two:

1. The world writ large who could care but don’t want to be dragged down
2. My not-so-understated desire to take my feelings and shoo

them away

But lately it’s felt that the cage is making its way out of my chest
Bars expand within my cavity that has felt like it could’ve stayed empty forever
And I’d be fine
I made bars
From made cars
Save my heart
From made scars
So I built a cage
Without exclaim
And invented
A prison, vented

To protect myself from the gaze of the outside
The steel of my invention is pushing on the bones placed at Allah’s behest,
And rods reroute at full size towards my throat in search of another lever
To release me even though my heart is on fire willing to burst at the seams
But instead the weight squeezes because apparently jet fuel can’t melt steel beams
And I pause to breathe

My heart skips a beat every time it brushes against this cool metal in a way that I could never
solicit from another human being

Butterflies within my stomach have been let loose in my lungs, as crisscrossed beams straighten out paralleled
I watch as my friends move on in their lives and bring their new familiars into my life by casket, crib, or ring
I accept as I return to the Hotel Left Behind to a complete vacancy in the room I’ve always felt
Finally getting a chance to lay in wait of the sweet embrace of sleep
And I can’t find it

Instead, collecting the 8 foot bars that have been pushing out past my epiglottis and hugging my trachea on their way out of me
The walls fit together almost as if they were natural
Titanium snakes that creep through me,
Spreading their venom as they make their way through my insides
Jonas’ whale consumed him for protection
But the bars protect me to save me for consumption

And as I place my hands on the gridlocked perpendicular poles
I feel a heartbeat
Like my heartbeat
Pushing rhythmically through the cold
Metal

As if I was only hypotensively trying to break out of the prison I had built
The cage blossomed but there were no petals
It was clear that strategically I found my tilt
There’s just enough space between the slats for me to see
And Just enough obfuscation to tell others to leave me be
And I say: “haha I’m fine…. Alhamdulillah”

Do you ever wonder whether there’s a way out of the dark?
Do you ever wonder whether light reaches your soul?

Born without windows, our biology seems to be fine in the hole
I guess I need to make like a shark
and just keep swimming…
or it’ll be the end of me
I pause to breathe and accept it once more, tilting my head and grabbing the bars in front of me –
I’ll be fine….
fine….
fine….