Lights open on a musallah. An Imam and blond man face the audience. Two bearded brothers, Jameel and Javaid, are on either side of the Imam and blond man.
Imam: Takbir!
Jameel & Javaid (triumphant): Allahu akbar!
Blond man (accented and careful): Alla-who-ack-bar.
Imam: Welcome to Islam! Today is like your new birthday. All of your sins have been washed clean, and you get a fresh new start. Jameel and Javaid, can I count on you to help your new brother?
Jameel (reaching for a handshake): Yes, of course! Asalamu alaikum! My name’s Jameel!
Javaid (clapping the blond man on the back): Salams, bro, I’m Javaid
Blond man (shakes Jameel’s hand): It’s nice to meet you guys.
Jameel: The pleasure’s all ours! The imam didn’t say your name, though.
Blond man: Yeah… I don’t blame him.
Javaid: So what is it, bro, what do we call you?
Blond man: … Christian.
Jameel freezes.
Javaid: Oh no.
Christian: Yeah…
Jameel: That’s… okay! We can help you pick a new name!
Javaid: Bismillah, Babynames.com!
Jameel: No, Javaid, we don’t need that! Christian—I mean, not-
Christian—what do you think of the name Muhammad? That’s our prophet, salAllahu alayhi wa salam, the best man who ever walked the earth!
Christian: I only just converted. I’d feel… I don’t know, disrespectful, to name myself after the Prophet, peace be upon him.
Javaid (showing off his phone): See?! Bro needs something different. Without all of that pressure, but with a beautiful meaning. Are there any meanings you like, not-Christian?
Christian: Well, I mean, “Islam,” obviously.
Javaid (to Jameel): Aha!
Christian: But, come to think of it… the guy who convinced me to come here had that name.
Jameel (to Javaid): Aha.
Javaid: You could switch it up a little!
Christian: To what? “Muslim?”
Jameel: You could! There was a hadith narrator named that!
Christian: Come on, “Muslim?” That just seems… lazy of me.
Javaid: How about Eesa?
Christian: Isn’t that Jesus? I mean… Jesus, peace be upon him? I… I don’t think so, nice try.
Jameel: What about Yahya? It means “John”!
Christian: Eh… That’d be funny if I were a Baptist… but I was actually raised Catholic.
Jameel: Zayd?
Javaid: Ashiq?
Jameel: Rayan?
Javaid: Javaid? You can’t go wrong with that one, bro. People say it all the time!
Christian: Guys, guys. Listen. Y’know… I’m actually OK with just… keeping it
“Christian.”
Jameel: Why?!
Javaid: Bro, come on, don’t leave us that quickly!
Christian: No, no, it’s just… I think I should keep people on their toes.
Jameel: I like it! Secret da’wah! No one will ever know!
Christian: And anyway, the documents are too expensive.
Javaid: Are they? What do you do for work, Brother Christian?
Christian: Oh, actually… I’m a comedian.
